I think my vagina is haunted
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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