life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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