I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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