I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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