just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
