I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
