a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
