apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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