Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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