well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
