What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
