just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize