Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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