So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
