At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
