Buhtt sex?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
