Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
