i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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