He uses pillows to masturbate.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
