Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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