nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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