FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize