im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
