You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
