We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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