Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
