i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
