Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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