I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize