You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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