Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He did a backflip because drugs
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