can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
