i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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