Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
