Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
