The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You are the jesus of drinking
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
