Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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