It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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