respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
