dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I still have a little drunk in my system
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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