Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
