Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
