it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
