How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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