On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
