Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
