Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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