Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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