3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
