Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
