i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
