Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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