And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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