I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
