I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
