my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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