so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
